Thursday, March 23, 2006

The Star Wars Guide to Conservatism

Commentary by Martin Kelly
April 22, 2004

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a great galactic Republic. All who lived there were free, and all species therefore aspired to live in it, making great efforts to avoid the Star Patrols in order to gain entry. However, due to the machinations of those determined to undermine its traditions of liberty and brotherhood, its soul was being poisoned. This could be seen in the venom of the discourse in the Senate and the plexi-journals. One of its great powers, the Trade Federation, desperate to ensure that all markets were open, was undermining the Republic by sending all production to the isolated outlands beyond the borders, creating a disaffected mass at its heart. It fell to a group of noble souls called the Jedi-Cons to keep the peace and ensure stability.

The Jedi-Cons drew their strength from their belief in an entity called ‘The Force’. ‘The Force’ taught that all intelligent species have the same human rights, that government should be small, taxes low or non-existent, abortion banned, that the death penalty and education policy were the prerogatives of the individual systems of the Republic, that blaster ownership should be legal and that no civil service drone robot has a right to tell you where you can fly your speeder. Jedi-Cons agreed on many or all of these things. However, the Force was out of balance.

The elder, or ‘paleo’, Jedi-Cons believed that it was not their role to intervene in the affairs of entities out with the Republic. They also believed that the Trade Federation should be opposed, for in their learning and the wisdom of their years they saw its policies for the greed they were. The younger, or ‘neo’, Jedi-Cons believed that they had a duty to interfere in the affairs of other systems when they perceived the Republic’s security to be threatened. They were also blinded by the false prosperity brought about by the Trade Federation. However, both could unite when the need arose. When the renegade Darth Osama attacked the Republic, all Jedi-Cons had united to defeat him and his slave army on the wasted, barren planet of Binladestano Four. But after Darth Osama had been crushed, there came reports that the Saddamians were building a Death Star.

This caused a fatal rift in the Jedi-Cons. The paleo-Jedi-Cons refused to support any action against the Saddamians, as no substantive proof had been found of a link between them and Darth Osama. They preferred to deter and contain the Saddamians. The neo-Jedi-Cons, believing the reports, contrived to attack the alleged Death Star-builders by whispering their counsels in the President’s ear. However, after Saddamia was occupied they did not find any evidence of such a weapon. They did find, alas, that the Saddamians offered more resistance to the soldiers of the Republic than the Binladestanis had.

This caused many problems for the President of the Republic. A Jedi-Con with neo leanings, he found himself facing mounting criticism on Coruscant, particularly from the Democratids. The Democratids were the mortal enemies of the Jedi-Cons, and every move they made was calculated to undermine the Force.

As time passed, the situation on Saddamia became severe. After a year, there was still no evidence of a Death Star, and the Democratids and the other forces of the dark side began to refer to the Saddamian war in the same terms as the last, more dreadful war of the Republic, against the Communisticons of the Viet system. The Communisticons now only existed in isolated pockets around the galaxy, winning the Viet battle but losing the war, having been defeated by the paleos’ policies of containment and deterrence.

The Jedi-Cons realised that balance would need to be brought to the Force. This would make the President stronger, giving him a wider basis of opinion from which draw his advisers. It would mean that the President might be forced to stand up to the Trade Federation. It would mean a return to the great days of the President 20 years before, who had united both factions and thus enabled the longest period of growth and prosperity in the Republic’s history. It would mean that the President would be able to face the Democratids in the coming Great Struggle knowing that all Jedi-Cons were behind him.

Could such a uniting of both sides of the Force save the President? Don’t ask me. It’s only a story…