The Wonderful World of Tony Blair

Commentary by Martin Kelly
September 29, 2002

Black days indeed for the British Conservatives. The first political party in Europe to be led by a Jew and a woman is chasing the ethnic and female vote, leading it to accept the registrations of 113 new members from the Glasgow Asian community whose delegate turned up to pay their combined registration dues, £1,700, in cash. One potential Conservative candidate has resigned already, but the Scottish leadership don’t see anything wrong.

The party has been in disarray since the electoral defeat of 1997. At that election, it knew it was going to be pasted by neo-Clintonite Blairism, with all the “Things can only get better”, propaganda spewed out by the Labour Party’s all-powerful media machine. Labour’s election campaign comprised headlines such as “24 Hours to Save the NHS!”. Five years later, the Old Lady is still going strong, with its policy makers still tying themselves in knots over the same issues as five years ago, such as why the waiting lists for hip replacements are longer in Aberdeen than Plymouth, but why Plymouth has longer waiting lists for heart surgery than Liverpool. Anthony’s lasting achievement in healthcare will be the unanimous vote of confidence he has delivered to the NHS: if the waiting lists are too long, send the patients to France.

The other notable successes of Anthony’s five years are these. He’s had to sack the same Minister, Peter Mandelson, twice. He’s enabled the anti-democratic Scottish Parliament to come into being. He’s caved in to the IRA and crippled the Police Service of Northern Ireland with politically correct and unattainable recruitment quotas. He’s politicised the school examination system so that British children are now the most over-examined and underqualified in Europe. He’s assisted in bankrupting hundreds of farmers by increasing excise duty on red diesel by 300% in three years causing the country’s first ever fuel strike. He’s assisted in slaughtering hundreds of thousands of healthy animals as a result of not having an adequate contingency plan to deal with an outbreak of foot and mouth disease and, in the country that invented the railway, made railway travel as enjoyable as in Bolivia. That might even be a slight on Bolivia. Yes indeed, Anthony, things can only get better.

Anthony Blair operates a policy of strict discrimination when it comes to selection of Labour Parliamentary candidates. Some of his constituencies operate a policy of women-only shortlist. If the most qualified candidate is a man, tough. They don’t qualify. He’s also a committed multi-culturalist, apologising to the people if Ireland for the Great Famine of 1845, and to the nations of Africa for the practice of slavery. He’s probably going to be the only Prime Minister who will offer to compensate the world for committing the crime of daring to have a foreign policy. The one positive thing about the “Blair Babes”, as Anthony’s female legion are designed, is that they don’t seem to enjoy the level of personal access afforded to the female staff of Anthony’s great mentor the 42nd President. Oh Cry The Beloved Country, we’re led by Bill Clinton’s best friend. Anthony and his Kennedyesque army of media manipulators adopted Bill’s 1992 tactics. Look serious when you have to look serious, as when you’re executing a man with a mental age of nine during an election. Lest we forget, his name was Ricky Ray Recter. Be funny when you have to be funny. I don’t think George Washington ever played the harpsichord on the stump, but times move on. At all other times soft-soap the suckers and tell them what they want to hear.

By 1997, the Conservatives, even if they were serious about contesting the election, were unelectable. The mistresses were popping out from under the blankets waving cheques from tabloid newspapers. Policy was a non-event. For years they had been riven by disagreement about further integration into Europe. The anti-Europeans mewled and puked on every policy of consequence that John Major tried to introduce, able to do so as a result of Major having a majority of only 22. They are probably the most unconstructive group of politicians in modern British history, and Iain Duncan-Smith was in the thick of them. They are responsible for the loss of one of the most honest and sincere Prime Ministers the country has ever had. Within 3 months, the true colours of the Blairites started to show. Robin Cook, the Foreign Secretary, dumped his wife of 28 years at the airport on the way to their vacation due to imminent exposure as an adulterer by a newspaper. The object of his affection, his Parliamentary secretary, is now the second Mrs. Cook, and he is no longer Foreign Secretary. Instead, he is Leader of The House of Commons and an implacable opponent of war in Iraq. The son of the Home Secretary, responsible for crime and policing, was caught trying to sell cannabis to an undercover reporter. The current crop of Labour MP’s are subject to a more vicious discipline than even Margaret Thatcher ever imposed. New Labour, Old Story.

The Blair vision has been a disaster for Britain. At the 2001 General Election, Anthony Blair was re-elected on a turnout of only 58%, the lowest in modern times by a wide margin. He bored the voters into re-electing him. He was almost apologetic for having won. However, Anthony’s eye is firmly fixed on his role in history. Blair, the man who brought peace to Northern Ireland by selling out the police to the terrorists. Blair, the Great Includer who actively bars men from becoming Labour Parliamentary candidates. Blair, who worships in a Catholic Church and who is only able to hold the office that he holds because he is not a Catholic. Not a lot of people know that Catholics and anyone else who isn’t a Protestant can’t become Prime Minister. The next time you hear a Brit sneering at American democracy, remind them of that. It is an unfortunate possibility that Anthony Blair’s commitment to The War on Terror may also be driven by this desire for a place in history. On President Bush’s election, they were two leaders whose philosophies could not be further apart. Ultimately, the events of 9/11, to a giant ego like Blair’s, could easily be an opportunity to push forward and become a great global statesman. For megalomaniacs, there is no better gig in town. The dark side of the Blair media machine’s opportunism also showed up that day. The Transport Department might as well be called the Ministry of Basketcases for all the active good it does. However on 9/11, Jo Moore, one of their publicly paid media advisers and a lifelong Labour worker, sent an e-mail saying, “today is a good day to bury bad news”. The mail was recovered and she was forced to issue a public apology but she wasn’t forced to resign. That came after another scandal.

The place in history complex that Anthony suffers is almost bi-polar. As well as standing shoulder to shoulder with America in The War on Terror, he cosies up to the Europeans. With yin and yang like that, his chi must be all over the place. Blair’s government desperately wants to introduce the Euro, which is recognised as having been an unmitigated disaster in the countries of the Eurozone. Pricehiking and maximisation of profits has been rampant across the Continent, and the Dutch are seriously looking to bring back the guilder. If the current difficulties in Portugal continue, Brussels is going to take over their economic policy. Anthony supports the Eurowarrant, a mechanism whereby the German government could theoretically demand, and be granted, the extradition of a British national guilty of the German crime of complaining about a town clerk. The Spanish are our partners in Europe, but the Gibraltarians, who are more British than the British, have no interest in being partners of any kind with the Spanish. Thirty years of border blockade might have something to do with it. However, because of our desire for greater European integration allied to a healthy dose of rump hard-left anticolonial sentiment Gibraltar is probably going to end up with some kind of shared sovereignty whether they want it or not. The Rock has been a British colony than 1704. Anthony has great respect for tradition and the will of the people.

The most lunatic of all pro-European ideas is the European Constitution. This would irrevocably bind us to the absolute government of an appointed body, the European Commission, one of whose members, Edith Cresson, is legitimately able to claim expenses for her live-in dentist – who also happens to be her boyfriend. Think “A Man and a Woman” meets “Marathon Man”. Neil Kinnock, the Commission’s President and a former Leader of the Labour Party, is able to claim an allowance for living in London while living in Brussels. Well, if you can’t be “Blair the World Statesman”, I suppose “Blair, the man who brought us into Europe” will do. It’s a good back-up in case we lose The War on Terror.

But like all Devils’ Bargain’s, Anthony’s has had a price. The hard left who made Labour an impossible prospect for four general Elections are back. They are not in the least willing to go to war with Iraq under any circumstances. They insist that there must be a UN Security Council must sanction any action. They love the UN – it’s the last bastion of international socialism. The Unions, who in my lifetime left rubbish to pile up in the streets and left the dead unburied, are especially anxious that Iraq not be bombed. Trades Unions provide 30% of the Labour Party’s income. Last week, a phrase we haven’t heard from a Labour politician for many years crossed Anthony’s lips. It was “redistribution of wealth”, as good a sop to the hard left as saying you’re renationalising British Airways.

And what of the Conservatives? Led by Iain Duncan-Smith, they are now almost invisible as a political force. IDS chases the ethnic vote and is introducing all-female shortlists. The odd thing is that if he had stuck to his original anti-European guns he would find himself with voters coming out of his ears. Feeling against further European integration is much higher than in 1997, a mood he seems to have missed. IDS would be much better off chasing voters as opposed to whites, blacks, men and women. He might find that if he starts treating the voters as adults and not constituencies he might start attracting some supporters.

The rise of the hard left together with Anthony’s Caesar fixation makes for possibly dangerous times ahead in The War on Terror. The President would be well advised to follow the old Chinese proverb; you know, the one about keeping your friends close.